Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
You Might Also Like
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite