coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*