Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Beauty and the Beast
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
How to wake up a Beagle
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Stop sending me this shit.