Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.