Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You Might Also Like
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*