I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.