My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
i love modern commerce
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by