I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.