Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.