Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.