girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Taking phone security to the next level.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?