*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!