[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird