Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: