HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife