Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
You Might Also Like
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..