*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
You Might Also Like
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Bootstraps
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”