Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.