Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Namaste
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.