the council will decide your fate
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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.