Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Happy Thanksgiving
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Brilliant!
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.