Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone