[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
work smarter, not harder
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.