side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.