Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.