who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.