“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing