Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”