*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.