4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
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Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Harsh but fair
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.