Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Nigella has gone too far this time.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
can you read it!!??
maan!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Print is alive and well!!!
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head