Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
that de-escalated quickly
That time Alicia messaged me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN