“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway