[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
me irl
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol