Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.