I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.