Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
You Might Also Like
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.