God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Lmao the reply
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers