“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
my mom making me talk to relatives
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines