Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
looks legit
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.