some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.