This trial is so absurd 😭
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty