*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
You Might Also Like
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us