[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason