If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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#gardening
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
They’re called werewolves.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button