Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…