Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Camping tip: No.
Breaking news:
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
#Caturday
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.