33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.