The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
we’re gonna need another temp
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.