Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.